My sisters are coming over tomorrow to go look at bridesmaids dresses with me. Even though we don't have any money, it'll still be good to take a look at this stuff and see what we can get.

This morning we discussed more in detail the ramifications of giving customers the wrong information. I really poured my heart out to tell them how I felt the situation was morally wrong, but I just got owl looks back. it was disheartening, and I'm SO glad I'm getting another job soon.

Marie came back today, after being sick for over a week. She decided that money was kinda needed, and I'm glad we get to talk. She's as interested in this wedding as i am, and it was refreshing, after "firing" one of my bridesmaids, to talk to someone who had spent all week surfing the internet in pursuit of good bridesmaids gifts. It made me feel really good about who was in charge.

Other than that, not much is going on. Ethan is moving in upstairs, and will be our new neighbor, other than that, things go the same as usual.

Stephanie

As we have a client in tow today, we were all mandated to dress up nicely, look sharp, and keep our desks clean. I feel sorry for the person who cleaned my desk. I guess I'm kind of a cluttery sort of person. I hate to have complete order, because it always makes me more confused than clutter. With clutter, at least I can figure out where I last put something. With order, I know it's in a place where all papers go, but not quite sure where in the stack I put said papers. It gets really frustrating.

I felt naked when I came in and my stuff was in a box, under my desk. My environment was stripped clean, my view....still obstructed. if you're gonna clean the place up, for heavens sakes, more the stupid beams. Ugh. I also found it bitterly ironic that the break room had a face lift for the new clients-the previously dark brown floor was now shining white. The microwaves were spiffed up, some replaced. The refrigerator was unspeakably clean, food thrown out, shelves whiped down.

Erich, as usual, takes great care of me. I still can't believe I tried to let him go. And by tried, I mean REALLY told him I didn't want to be with him, and he needed to go away. I regret it, more than anything. I wish I could go back, forget everything Gabe told me down in Oregon, and followed what my heart had told me. It would have made the transition process a lot easier. As it is, it breaks me wide open each time I remember the heart in his eyes, the misery in his very stance. Every night, I sigh a little, kick myself a little, remembering how I caused the man I love a great deal of hurt.

The greatest romance novels always happen as a means of lack-of-communication. it's always "I want him to tell me he loves me first" or "She probably wont like it if I tell her to marry me." Stupid stuff, right? Yet people make a killing of promoting this rediculous image of "If I keep my thoughts to myself, he'll eventually figure it out, OR we'll get into a heated argument, it'll all come out, and he'll make love to me!" A huge misconstrument to how a relationship really works. If there is no communication, you drift apart, like cold iceburgs...passing in the night. Soon she's beginning to wonder what it would be like to be with another man who understands her-he begins thinking about how a woman could finally open up to him-it's rediculous. If we just opened up, and remained open minded about the situation, relationships would soar to new heights, and divorce rates would plummate. it would also help that relationships centered around money. Yeah.

I suppose my secret is grace. Don't sweat the small things, and be prepared ot forgive on the bigger things. It's how we make it with family. You accept your snooty older sister as she is because you know her for that. You accept she'll snap at you when you make fun of her boob size, and you'll accept that she'll go through wierd fazes where she wont talk to you in favor of mooning over the latest teen magazine. You accept her and love her because you have to. She's your sister. Since when did we stop taking that view with our spouse? I suppose adultery can be a real damper on things-I wont even brush on that-it's a tender, and very personal decision to decide whether to go on or not. Ugh. But that aside. We divorce for all sorts of reasons.

Okay. That's pretty much all for me-Oooh. Except one other thing I want to vent about. My job has requested that I go off a certain set of documents to advise my clients about anything. A memo that came out to me this morning said "Even if the information is wrong, it is mandatory you give this to customers." So, legally, the company I work for is saying purposely give customers wrong information. I think that's...illegal in someway. I pushed back, saying I had taken an oath to provide excellent service to my customers, and I refused to give them wrong information. If they fire me, I would LOVE to see what the unemployment office would say. "Um, yeah, I got fired for refusing to give my customers wrong information."

Interesting thoughts. 20 minutes to go. I'm loving it!

Stephanie

Here's the run down. She's been gone for a week from work, I don't have her number. Then, on the day she knows I always have off, she waltz in. Luckily, my maid-of-honor saw her, and made a point to call me and tell me she was there. The girl calls me and tells me she's off at 2, and has some cleaning to do, but I can come and get it that night. Um, yeah. 7:30 rolls around and she calls me and says she is going out to dinner with her parents instead, and can we do it tomorrow? I'm a fairly nice person, so I say sure. Even though I'm fairly positive that she made plans with me first, and blowing me off for free food is NOT cool.

So Sunday comes. I cancel any and all plans I have, and wait by the phone the entire day. Finally, at about 9:30-esque, I get a cutsie text message saying she was at her moms and "totally lost track of time." I told her I didn't care if she put it in a paper bag, whatever, she needed to bring it into work the next day.

CONVENIENT, you might say, that she suddenly gets sick, and can't come in to work. Now, I'm furious. I gave her the money, (although, I am NOT a moron, I have a paystub-I gave her a money order) and I fulfilled my end of the deal. SHE continually puts off my calls, texts, emails, etc. I texted her back and said I was coming over after work to get my dress, no matter what.

Now, if she still has an emotional attachment to the dress, and doesn't want to do the sale, than fine. But wasting my time, holding on to my money, making me cancel all plans until she decides to tell me, is plain bullshit. If it's that bad, then give me my friggin money-I have a dress to buy, and i don't appreciate her wasting my time. And she isn't helping her situation since her hours have been cut (missing so much time can do that, genius) by missing more time. This isn't something where hopefully they can make things work. She is PREGNANT. Her husbands income will not support the both of them. She refuses to work because of morning sickness. I worked up until I was put on bedrest.

And then she has the audacity to come to me, tell me she'll sell me the wedding dress, and then not do it. It's just disgusting. The worst part is that I work with her-and I'm a fairly well-liked person. Other people have issues with her too.

UGH.

Stephanie

So all together, for my entire wedding, I've spent less than 2000.00.

But I still have so much more to buy. I need to get the invitations, I need to get the tuxedos. I still have to get the wedding paperwork filled out, and I have to meet with the Chapel minister. I have to finds shoes, although I'm thinking of just getting ballerina slippers. Also, I don't have to worry about a necklace or a cake topper-Lori is lending me hers from when she got married.

4 months and 12 days away. Eek.

Also, I have an interview tomorrow:I really hope that I get it-the pay raise is almost 5.00 an hour. And it's salary. I could use the money.

Stephanie

Otherwise, things are going as planned, bills are being paid, etc. The only thing kind of falling out of place is with Tiffany. My matron of honor. She, apparantly, at the urgings of her boyfriend Chad, are seriously considering moving to California in December or January. In reality, I think it would be best if I just put Maria in charge of the position-she seems so much more involved in the affair than Tiffany, and has more time and energy to put into said affair. Tiffany has been really...eh....about the whole thing, and it was really beginning to worry me.

On the other hand, Jesse, Erich's friend, wasn't sure if he was going to be in the wedding either, and said that he would have to think about it. We're worried as to why he had to think about it, and I'm not sure what will happen there-I would be really psyched if he could come-Jesse has become a pretty good friend of ours.

I'm also kind of stressed out about this Friday. Erich kind of planned a Scene-It party...without really consulting me, might I add. Now, I don't really know how to tell Erich that I hate crowds...I hate crowds more that I don't have anything to do with. In this case, it's all Erich's friends, and none of mine. It feels just like Steve again-I never really got to see my friends, and Steve's practically lived at the house. It's not that I really hate the party, or don't want it-I think it'll be a good opportunity to meet Erich's friends, and have a great time. I just...I guess I realise that the house has to be perfect, and I'm casting a critical eye over our faded coffee table and bedroom-most especially our stained tub. Hopefully none of the guests will need a shower!

Things are slowly falling into place, although it's taking some time-Maria is really helping out-Sunday morning we're going out to get the engagement pictures done, and Saturday we're going to get scrapbooking supplies to build the guestbook. And Maria is probably one of my dearest friends-she's really been through a lot, and really has had some good advise and help in my time of need. She's a really good person.

That's all for me!

Stephanie

She took a deep breath, and said: "Stephanie, you have severe symptoms of displaisia on your cervix....we've got the scans back, and they show more cancerous growth on your cervix-we may have to do a hysterectomy....or chemo.....but more than likely both."

I was stunned-mostly because I'm 21 years old, and this is the SECOND time I've had cervical cancer. But more stunned, because I didn't think it could happen to me. For some reason, I guess I just felt like nothing could ever happen to me-so when something did, I was....shocked.

A few weeks ago, Erich and I went back to the doctor, and I had a routine check done to see where I was at, if symptoms were coming up, etc.

Today, I got the call from Olga:

It wasn't cancer. It was severe displasia. Apparantly the symptoms were very similar, so they went with the worst case scenario, but there was a lack of communication.

Erich and I were facing the possibility that we couldn't have kids, and somewhere out in the world, a doctor had the regular test results on his desk, and forgot to mention to everyone that nothing was wrong.

Don't get me wrong: I'm so happy, I can't stop tearing up. But at the same time...I'm afraid. I'm scared shitless that it's not true, that THIS test result is the mess up, and I really do have cancer.

I won't know for sure, until I go back, which wont be until November. But Olga swears they double checked to make sure these were indeed my test results.

SO: Great news is, I don't have cancer. Displasia: can be taken away.

I'm too emotional to think guys-I'll write more at another time.

Stephanie

Last night, I was worried. See, I had laid down troubled: I really felt like I was doing most of the chores, and Erich was enjoying the benefits of messing up the house again. I felt frustrated, because I didn't know how to tell him that. I wasn't sure he'd understand how I felt. I thought all day about how to tell him-and laying down for snuggle time, it came tumbling out. I was soon talking myself into a stupor, just revealing the stress I was going through with setting up the wedding and trying to impress his mom, and cleaning the house, and cancer, and dealing with my son: It was all very much for me to deal with. He was very quite and rubbed my back and held me close to him the entire time, lovingly telling me he totally understood. Just as I was on the brink of sleep, he kissed me gently on the forehead, and whispered he had to use the restroom. As he was getting up, he grabbed his shorts, and I asked him what he was doing.

"Getting my wallet."

I knew he wasn't going anywhere, so I became a little more alert. Why did he need his wallet for the bathroom? A flashback hit of how I was worried Steve was cheating on me: A scenario immediately began to form in my head. But I laid there, my whole body suddenly alert and my whole body tense. He slipped out of the bathroom not even 10 seconds later, fully dressed. Then he turned on the light in the living room. I still lay there, thinking maybe he wasn't tired, when I realised he had complained he was exhausted and wanted to lay down. So I sat, thinking a little more to myself.

Then the front door opened and closed.

I immediately sat up in bed. Where was he going this time of night, and WHY?

I snuck through the room, and went to the window. All I heard was him talking to himself. I realised his phone was in his shorts, and worried immediately that he was calling.

The scenario I was pulling together was this: Erich was tired of me complaining, and went outside to talk to his mistress. Yeah. Stupid, but being cheated on in almost every other relationship has given my imagination fertile ground.

I sat on the bed in the guest room, which is next to the front door, and waited. He came in, headphones on, and saw me, and smiled all big. "Hey baby, what happened?"

I was too furious to think. I didn't speak. I just asked him what he was doing outside.

"Singing along with music...."(seeing my face, he hurriedly went on)"I was getting some music on so I could clean. I was going to surprise you."

At first I couldn't comprehend it. What? He was exhausted, and because I had told him all my burdens, he was going to stay up the entire night and clean, to surprise me?

Needless to say, it got figured out, and I felt severely humbled. Severely.

I love Erich. He is my life. And I need to remember that he isn't my past experiences.

-Stephanie

So I figure white is good.

Anyways I found my wedding dress: It's going to be a whopping 50.00.

Yes. I got it from a friend at work who had no need for it anymore being as she's...well...married. And It's perfect! It has pearls that tie little portions of the flowy skirt together, it has a train (eek!) and it has a slight ruffle at the top (strapless). It's absolutely perfect, and I think I can make it happen!

Of course, our budget this week is strapped, what with medical stuff, Erich's computer, and me needing to pay my phone bill. We obviously still have the rent and stuff to save up for as well, so it's going to be a tight squeeze.

Other than that, our week went well. Yesterday, Erich posted for the first time, and we got MS up and working-now we play together, and it's a blast! I, unfortunately, think I tore a ligament in my upper leg area, and that plus the pinched nerve has me in constant pain. That's not including all the other stuff I'm going through.

Erich is NOT going to wear a top hat to the wedding-everyone has to see his hair all nice and glorious-because he does have glorious hair when he takes care of it. I love his hair.

There's still so much to do, and so little time! Now I have to figure out what dresses I want for my bridesmaids. It'll be interesting, to say the least.

Have a good Friday!

Stephanie

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Also Im currently gettng setup with MapleStory so I can see what that is all about. So I guess it will have to be the sign off until next time. Stay Classy Everyone!

He promised he'd update today, which is exciting! Hopefully you'll hear more from him as the days and weeks go by.

I've got to get back online, but yeah. Have a good day!

Stephanie

Pretty sure I want a real wedding cake, NOT a sheet cake. HONESTLY.

Urgh. Anyways, so I have been spending the last two days playing Maplestory for hours on end-and it's a lot of fun. I finally have a way to de-stress after worrying about cancer, and the wedding, and the upstairs apartment, and driving, and work, and Alexander, my son. It's nice to have something to unplug to. Really nice. And I've made some really cool friends: Inaia, and his adorable wife Joyce. They are so cute together, too! I just can't help it: I love making new friends. And if someone's nice to me-I'm like a little puppy. Follow them everywhere.

Other than that, I'm having a hard time at work. It's not like any big problem, it happens to everyone: burnout. Doing the same thing, day after day, is boring, frustrating, and can really begin to annoy a person. Especially if it's different people saying the same thing. So to help with that, I made little "inspiration posters" that say You can do it! And another that says 02/06/07: the date of my wedding. It's to remind me that I can't afford to be burned out, because the wedding ain't free and we need the funds.

I'm also looking for a part time job, but right now, no leads have come up. I want to do something on the weekends....but we'll see.

Sometimes, I find it so frustrating the way Erich and I show affection to one another. I'm a very touch-oriented person, and like to spend lots of time just basking in his glow. Erich doesn't mind spending time apart, just zoning out on the computer, or in front of the TV, and it tends to irk me-especially early in the morning.

I've found it easier to cope with by finding things for me to do by myself. I play Maplestory, crochet, read, listen to music, write in my blogs, and check my email. I also fill the time by doing much needed chores around the house. And while I find that sometimes isn't enough, and I ask Erich to spend some time with me, I usually find it healthy for us to do our own things.

I guess the reason I mentioned my co-worker reading that book is I find it so cool that she's commited to improving things for herself. When I see someone doing that, it inspires me to improve myself-and there's a lot that I could improve. Like complaining less about Erich's mom when I find that she's being overbearing. I understand that she doesn't mean to be, and I accept her for herself, and know she doesn't mean to be frustrating-it makes things a little easier to accept.

That's all for me.

Although I'd like it noted that I'm turning into a Maplestory addict-I played online for 8 hours last night. I "level grinded" and it was awesome.

Stephanie

I fear for long-term relationships. I know that it takes dedication, grace, and compromise to make any relationship work. I know and understand that looking at another couple for a perfect example isn't the best idea in the world-human beings aren't perfect, and we all have bad days. My grandparents have yet to disappoint me. They are in love with each other, and have been for quite some time, and I really hope that Erich and I can be as happy as they are. My grandpa looks at my grandma with love in his eyes, and my grandma, as silly as she is, gives her love back, and is just wonderful.

It's Sunday morning, and this is the first time in a week we've gotten a chance to relax. We have been working, coming home, working upstairs, and getting back up to do it all again. Erich has been downloading music and stuff like crazy, working "late into the night" to do so. It's funny, because yesterday morning I woke up, and was folding some clothes and putting them away, and I turn around, and Erich had just woken up, and had wandered out of the room with his MP3 player in his mouth, of all places, and his headphones on...jamming out in his pajamas. Go, Erich. Go Erich Go. I shake my head at how funny he can be sometimes, and how dorky we are together. We have such bizarre inside jokes.

I have no clue what we're going to do today, or this week. Wierd Al is playing at our local fair this week, and I would really like to see him, (he's hilarious) but I don't know if I'm going to have money or time. I'm pinching every penny to make sure that I can get all I need for my wedding.

I'm kind of frustrated, Erich too, with how unsuccessful I am with making his mom happy. I was going to get a nice, pretty cake. Erich's mom thinks my whole wedding needs to be super budgeted. And I totally agree-and I am definitely budgeting to the best of my ability. But I don't want my wedding to look cheap. And to me, a sheet cake is...cheap looking. I wanted something more...cute. My idea, after speaking with a co-worker, was cupcakes. Easy clean up, and very cute. I could even get little calla lillies on each one, and each person would get their own little wedding cake.

His mom was saying it was too expensive and I should look for cheaper alternatives. *sigh*

I don't think I'm speaking out of turn here, but I love Erich's mom. She's sweet, very considerate, and thoughtful. I like her. She's great. But I don't think she understands that weddings are different today than from 30 years ago. She was content with her wedding, which she said she budgeted very much, I want mine to be a budgeted, nice event. I don't want to get married in a gym. I definitely don't want to get married at the Hitching Post, and I don't want to elope in Vegas. I want to get married in a nice chapel, in a beautiful wedding dress, with the man I love telling me I do, and all of our guests commenting on how nice everything is. I want to have a nice reception with dancing and merriment, and then Erich and I disappearing for a wonderful honeymoon.

That's what I want. And I feel I have made plenty of compromises to try and make the wedding to the best of my ability, and I appreciate all of Lori's suggestions. But, it is my wedding. And Erich and I both agree we want a nice one. So there you go. That's how it is.

Not that I'm complaining.  I think it will all turn out well, and I'm sure that Erich's mom will understand. If she doesn't-we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Anyways, Sunday requires I lounge and snuggle with my love. It's my favorite part of Sunday. Erich's is apparantly turning his desk into a drum set and singing Modest Mouse. Oy vey.

Stephanie

I don't know if this is just a thing in relationships, but is there always one person who really doesn't want to do anything? I feel like I went through that phase, and now Erich's doing it. Unfortunately, he chose a poor time to do so, being as his mom is paying us to paint the upstairs apartment she plans on renting out, and we need to finish it this weekend. His parents give him a major break in rent for maintaining the yard....something he hasn't quite been doing. I understand that with getting internet, it kind of puts a damper on doing work, but it's a necessity...for me, I can't fathom not doing chores to keep the house up, and the yard. To me, it's just second nature. But of course, we are talking about a weathered bachelor, someone who lived alone for a while, and he hated deep cleaning. So he can't really...get back into the swing of things. And I wouldn't mind doing it, if he would help a little bit, you know: I cook, he does dishes. I water the front lawn, he does the back. I fold and put away the laundry, he just lugs it (it's heavy!)....you know...compromise.

I think we may have come to an understanding, but I'm not sure-we both got distracted by the goodness of Little Ceasers...and no speaking happens while eating food. We are in agreement.

So anyways, last night I ended up not watering the lawn or cleaning at all, it was so dark the time we got our bills paid and groceries bought. I have this thing where I find it necessary to buy groceries that day, else we tend to buy lots of fast food-and it doesn't look like you're spending much at first-but you are. We spent a large portion of our money on fast food last week, so I cut us off at two meals. Plus it's not healthy, and I'm trying to squeeze into a wedding dress, for heavens sakes.

I still have so much to do, and only 6 months to do it. I still have to call the Chapel, and set that up. And then I have to buy the dress, and Erichs ring, flowers, and a cake. Everything else will be included in the Chapel package-freaking awesome, I know! We're debating a limosine. I think it would be a great idea,a nd I want the grandeur, but Erichs mother is kind of worried that we are going to over budget ourselves. I'm looking at getting a second, part-time job to help pay for the wedding, (and the computer!)...but so far, the only thing that's come up is a Telemarketing company, and I think it's against company policy to work for two out-sourcing companies...conflict of interest and what not.

I'll keep looking, and bug Erich to post on here. he was pretty excited,....I think....but he did say that he doesn't post much, so I'll be doing most of the talking...but Erich is the strong (rediculously strong...like breaks things all the time on accident strong) and silent type. But you'll hear from him.

Stephanie

My laptop, affectionately called Lappy, picked up our connection immediately, and has been pretty content with doing my bidding since about 7:30 yesterday afternoon. Erich's computer, however....has not been so fortunate. It is the oldest Dell in history, runs like dirt....even looks slightly like dirt. And Erich and I have talked to Dell, to Qwest, to the manufacturers of the modem, and none of them spoke very good English, and none of them have been able to assist us. I told Erich to just throw the old relic out of the window. But I know Erich too well: He's tight with his money, and if a small glistening drop of hope remains, he stubbornly clings to it.

Erich and I met while working for a bank that specialises in Money Markets and Certificates of Deposits. While I'll try to be discreet, I must say this company isn't the most professional in my history of work. The systems crash constantly, the bank directors refuse to upgrade our systems, because they don't want to spend money. So we lose customers who know our systems blow, and gain customers who have no clue yet. Anyways, moving on to how we met: I was mentoring a class of Telephone Bankers (meaning I guided them through the first terrifying weeks of dealing with hundreds of thousands of dollars in one phone call) that Erich happened to be in. Erich had transferred to our program after another program had ended, and he was part of a team of specialists that de-escalated phone calls. He was good at what he did. He was always in the top ten percent of everything he did in the other program.

It came as no surprise to me that he was equally competent in my program-he never had a bad score on a call, the customer's loved him, and he catched on very quickly. Not only that, but he had a really nice smile. What started out as a mentor appreciating a hassle-free newbie, as I call them, quickly became a small crush. There was a problem though. He was dating a very cute, very vicious, very loud girl we'll call M. I was less than fond of M, as she talked constantly of other people, of her personal life, and of herself. To me, that's not something that should really be discussed at work with colleagues. After a few weeks of flirting, and being flirted back with, I decided to assess the situation from a different angle, and asked M how things were with her and Erich.  I was surprised to hear that he wouldn't stop talking about me, and he was total crazy about me, and would I please just go on a date with him so she could get some peace? I stuttered out that I thought they were dating-oh no. They were really good friends, and almost a year ago he had a crush on her, but got over it pretty quickly.

So I texted Erich later that day, and we didn't stop from that point forward. We texted, and then started hanging out. The sparks were there instantly, and I am very happy. Hopefully so is he....*stare*

So that's how we met. I think I'll see if he'll do the next post for us, because he should be involved! And he said he would be.

Until then!

Stephanie